You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it was like eating out sand paper
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
