i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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