How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Where is the hickey?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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