I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
