She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
