That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
