I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
