My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
