Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
