ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize