so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Found your dick twin last night
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
