he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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