Welp...herpes.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
