this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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