I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
