she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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