so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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