She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
