well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
