Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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