I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
