i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
