Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
