Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
