Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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