Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
