If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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