I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
