I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just want nice things and good sex
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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