I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
