need another drink. this is the easiest way
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
