I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize