sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
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