I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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