At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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