i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
