So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
