If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
