So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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