dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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