My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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