There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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