Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
