she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
