ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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