every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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