piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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