What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize