Kiss
Puke
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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