I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
