you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
