He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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