Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
