im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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