Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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