Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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