I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
