i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
