I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
