is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
