Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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